And you give yourself away....

Not Waving But Drowning...

Nobody heard him, the dead man

,But still he lay moaning:

I was much further out than you thought

And not waving but drowning.

Poor chap, he always loved larking

And now he's dead

It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,

They said.

Oh, no no no, it was too cold always

(Still the dead one lay moaning)

I was much too far out all my life

And not waving but drowning.

Stevie Smith. 1957

another Vic favourite.

I have some miserable choice in poetry!

WH Auden Twelve Songs...

Literally, Pure Poetry.....

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,

Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,

Silence the pianos and with muffled drum

Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead

Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,

Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,

Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,

My working week and my Sunday rest,

My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;

I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;

Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;

Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.

For nothing now can ever come to any good.

You can't fix everything that's broke...

You can't stop your friends making mistakes.
You can give advice but who ever takes it?

You can't stop them acting out either.
You just grin and bear it and wish they'd act their age.

You can't change the way people feel.
thats a given.

You can't stop loose lips sinking ships.
people talk..... it's the way of the world.

but you can choose not to dwell on other peoples behaviour and just get on with things...... and that's what I'm doing.

The way I'm feeling...

Sometimes is never quite enough
If you're flawless, then you'll win my love
Don't forget to win first place
Don't forget to keep that smile on your face

Be a good boy
Try a little harder
You've got to measure up
And make me prouder

How long before you screw it up
How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up
With everything I do for you
The least you can do is keep quiet

Be a good girl
You've gotta try a little harder
That simply wasn't good enough
To make us proud

I'll live through you
I'll make you what I never was
If you're the best, then maybe so am I
Compared to him compared to her
I'm doing this for your own damn good
You'll make up for what I blew
What's the problem...why are you crying

Be a good boy
Push a little farther now
That wasn't fast enough
To make us happy
We'll love you just the way you are
If you're perfect

Forever kept in loving memory

1) Buy a litre of Vodkat.
2) Eat hummas and chips.
3) Mime your way through "Poker Face".
4) Fall over on Union Street.
5) Get in a fight because your best pal was getting bummed at the bank machine. Then loose your earrings.
6) Look this bad:







7) Plan and arrange outfits for Halloween which involve being Iona YF and Vic Hendo.
8) Dance to "some sort of hardcore version of 'Baby got back'".
9) Ask random birds to do up your dress whilst standing naked in the toilets.
10) Pretend "Boom Boom Pow" is playing when it's really Slipknot just because you want an excuse to dance with Smit.
11) Loose your friends.
12) Manage to get to Warehouse. Blag your way in for free by demanding you get a stamp. Lone behold your friends managed put THEMSELVES on the guestlist.
13) As soon as you arrive, start the Iona Tierney academy of dance. This involves, jogging on the spot, pointing your fingers like you are an air traffic controller and jog the length of the dancefloor on your lonesome. For 40 minutes straight.
14) Don't panic when your best friend falls INTO a table.
15) Go back to Korova by yourself because you doubt that walking up the stairs to go to the toilet is a good plan.
16) It's 3am. Time to vomit.
17) Have your best friend tell some guy that his name is not a name, it is an emotion. "Sigh" or "Si".
18) Gowans: "Can a hae your sacks?"
19) Walk hame barefoot.
20) Your feet. So try to hail an Ambulance as a taxi.
21) Either text boys to ask them to "stay over" or simply shout them because "Aberdeen isny that big, they'll probably here."
22) Phone for help when two Polish/..Frenchmen try to end your life. P.s, thank you Mike.
23) Don't sit on someone's motorbike. The alarm WILL go off and the owner WILL shout at you while you try to retrieve your lost heels and run away for dear life.
24) Arrive at your destination. Get naked. "Multi-spoon" your fellow companions.
25) Decide that you want to pranky someone. So, text there best friend, knowing that they are with them and ask for there number. They will NEVER find out who it was.
26) Start a rival clothing company, name it "Boner over Rory".
27) There's no point in asking if a song that contains the words "Tease me" is by Shaggy. It will be.
28) NEVER sing a song called "Your name is Smit, you are in ASD. You're glasses steamed up, when you looked at me."
29) Nor say, in the style of Shaggy, "It wasny me" after every single line in every single song.
30) There's no point in your texting your boyfriend because "everyones getting nailed apart from me." You will jynx your friends chances.
31) Don't doubt Matty Hoods identity. He will tell you to fuck off.
32) Don't send two people the same sext message. "you wanna stay at mine the night??" Two question marks. Nae kisses.


several hours later:
Victoria Gowans:
"I can't believe we slept till 11 o'clock."

Vicki Cockburn:
"I can't believe i'm such a whore."

I Think We'd

be fucking happy.

but we are not going to be.

maybe its best cos I don't want to ruin us.

but the lonliness I feel right now physically hurts.

Fucking Perfection

I can't not cry when I hear this now.

someone please find a copy of it for my Ipod.

Aberscene Disease

Strikes again.

I want everything straight away.

I want to know where I stand from day one.

That I blame on you and him only.

I want to do everything right now.

Today is really dragging can't wait to see everyone later on.

some more than others as always.

which means the night will be a total fail probably.

Don't have the paitence to wait and see.

Morrissey wins again,

"Please Please Let Me Get What I Want..."

When I was with someone...

You never left my side, my flat, my life..

Now that you are with someone.....

You've Gone.

what's that about?

Think I know what my role in your life was now don't I?

I no longer think bout you everyday, wonder what your doing at the weekend, or have the slightest inclination to see if you wanna hang out, the things we did good or bad are just memories now, they mean nothing, you turned me into a horrible person sometimes;

A liar and a cheat.

I doubt I'd even call you my friend anymore it's been so long since we've talked.

I miss you is just words.

and to be honest I'm starting not to even miss you anymore.

The Nicest Thing....

All I know is that you're so nice

,You're the nicest thing I've seen.

I wish that we could give it a go,

See if we could be something.

I wish I was your favorite girl,

I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world.

I wish my smile was your favorite kind of smile

I wish the way that I dressed was your favourite kind of style.

just waiting and wondering...

Times Change, But We Never Will

I love my Monster Munch.

He keeps me sane.

makes me tea

and wakes me up at silly times.

He is the best boy in my life.

I made him feel like I wasn't around anymore and I hate myself for that.

x

I'm baccccccckkkk

ahhh I have missed you.
It seems like lots has been happening

Or maybe my heads been in the right place recently

and I've not had time alone to sit and mull on my feelings.
met someone.

he was lovely. then became a total tool.
as for recent events no idea what to do there.
be the one that breaks the mould?

It amazing what a few weeks has done

Favourite photo of the last few weeks

Everyone loves a fishface!

Dear Mr. Vernon

We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. But, we think you're crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us: in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But, what we found out is that each one of us is: a brain . . .
And an athlete . . .
And a basket case . . .
A princess . . .
And a criminal.
Does that answer your question?
Sincerely yours, The Breakfast Club.

it's like you're the swingset

and I'm the kid who falls

I should be much to smart for this

You know it gets the better Of me sometimes
When you and I collide
I fall into an ocean of you
Pull me out in time
Don't let me drown
Let me down


My Itunes FTW tonight x

This Song Makes Me So Happy.....

Which do I love more though........







Think Arcade Fire might just win...

I've met someone who makes me feel Seasick...

:)

I'm a geek with the boyshapes.
For Serious. But its all good.

My head is still like death.
Swine Flu is not cool.
Nor is the Toothache.
Wednesday can't come sooner!
Nor is people worrying for no reason.
I spoke up I'm now done :)
Team TierBurn are on the case with other things.

Decisions Decisons...


TUESDAY FTW.

Talk is Cheap.

That Stung.
I'm not unhappy that you've mentioned it, It just stung a lot and I don't know why. Perhaps cos I thought I was getting over it, and accepting that things have changed!

so unwell today. Nearly Fainted on Cheryll. Good times.
Battle over who was taking me to hospital. Noice.

eatingscheatingeatingscheating.
fallen off the wagon again.
also got too drunk again.
Made some decisions with Iona last night, lets see how we get on with them!
My wife is in hospital after her op and my monster munch is 19 :D

How many times?

How many times......Now I can't look you in the eye.

Two lines. Placebo do a good summing up of the way I feel sometimes, Though not the special K part, I leave that to junkie ex boyfs.
I rediscovered "The Man Who" recently. Forgot how amazing Blue Flashing Light is. Fran Healy is almost forgiven for inspiring Amy McDonald. Almost.


Actually no fuck that. I can never forgive anyone involved with Amy Mcdonald

I could have forgiven you though, but my paitence is worn out. I defended you to high heaven and you've let me down. I just want my friend back for radiohead singalongs, steem teem adventures and for listening to me talk shit when I can't talk bout the way I really feel and still understanding and making me feel better. The person who susses out that I say I'm okay when I'm not. I just want that back. nothing else. why can't you see that.

Flash I love you..

but we only have fourteen hours to save the world.

Little by little by little by little.
things are taking shape for this girl.
only taken 25 years.

Holding onto the Rails again.

This weekend has been a sodding disaster.
got myself in such a state I lost my entire bag, keys, purse, phone everything. Spent an hour being interviewed by the police.
I will never ever drink like that again. The last few weekends I've just let myself become such a drunken mess. It won't solve problems, the answers aren't at the bottom of the glass.
I know everyone thinks that it's only one thing that's bugging me, but its not it's just that that's the one thing I can talk about easily. So many things are getting to me at the minute and I just don't know how to word it. or how I really feel.
I need to tackle the things that are getting to me head on and no longer be stuck in the rut that I feel I am.
Fresh starts all round I think.

When people see the good in you

and tell you.

it makes the bad a lot easier.

Even if we can't quite remember what was said.

Sometimes its the people you least expect who make it better.

I wish I had a father figure.

Failed once again by my own.

indeed.

Un pessismist pas dissapointed jamais.

Love Story

Love means never having to say your sorry.

My favourite film quote of all time I think. Simple. beautiful film.

Every time I think of that quote I always think oh I wish I had that with someone, loved so much that you can be forgiven for your sins.

Today though when I thought about it I realised that I do have it...

She is my best friend, and the best thing I have in my life. No matter what I throw at her, how devestating the news can be, she'll pick me up dust me off and make things a better again. I laugh with her, cry with her, hell I even spoon her! We keep each other strong and see the best in each other. There is no jealousy we just want each other to be happy, even if we sometimes don't agree on the person or thing that's making the other one happy.

Even when I make mistakes she never judges me. she never will. When the worst times came. she didn't shout, judge or give me any grief. she just called me straight back and talked to me. helped me through a tough decision and on the day stayed up all night just so she could say goodbye to me and make sure I was okay.

THAT is love.

And I never have to say sorry.

Monotony.

My days are the becoming the same thing every day.

doing my head in. plus being worse of than when I was at uni is fucking shit.

made a start on changing that today though. one phonecall goes a long long way...

Today was shit and good at the same time. Mortified myself faceplanting. and then wore Tuna.

but at least I got given hope that was has been bugging me for the last wee while might eventually be resolved hopefully . But thats' all it EVER is. Hope. cos I won't beleive it till I see it.

I meant it when I said I was done. To deletion extent.

Just looked through my photos and found this...

monster munch, If you are reading this, I fucking miss you. so hard Love you .

Wise words William Beckett.

"So save your breath and the money you spent, Go work in retail and spare the suspense, Just don't take chances on anything at all, Anything at all."

Story of my so called life.

best friends means forever.

me next. The pustino's are forever.

Last Night...

I slept with my fingers crossed.

Skywalker Streeet.

This ran on forever and made me laugh...

23:34skywalker.:
it's a rough area
.....................................................................................
23:35Vic:
the stormtroopers turned to crystal meth
……………………………………………………………………
23:35skywalker.:
aaaah.
……………………………………………………………………
23:35Vic:
R2D2 is an escort
……………………………………………………………………
23:36skywalker.:
C3P0 does gay born.
……………………………………………………………………
23:36Vic:
and as for chewwy, I don't know what happened but he swears that prostitute was alive when he left her
……………………………………………………………………
23:37skywalker.:
the wookies have been engaging in a drug war with the jedi crew.
many horrible things have happened
……………………………………………………………………
23:39skywalker.:
lots of victims caught in the crossfire.
……………………………………………………………………
23:41Vic:
The ewoks running illegal immigrints across the border
back of that lorry opened up, heaps of sand people hidden in the back
……………………………………………………………………
23:42skywalker.:
whilst the females of naboo are pimped out by 'queen' amidala.
……………………………………………………………………
23:43Vic:
I never had Yoda down as a drug lord. Him and Obi Wan are like the Krays these days
……………………………………………………………………
23:43skywalker.:
scum.
……………………………………………………………………
23:44Vic:
bahaa
……………………………………………………………………
23:44skywalker.:
han solo, one cop trying to make a difference...
……………………………………………………………………
23:46skywalker.:
recruits a rookie with ideals to help him out, luke skywalker.
……………………………………………………………………
23:49Vic:
this conversation just made my life
……………………………………………………………………
23:50skywalker.:
haha
……………………………………………………………………
23:50Vic:
i'm wearing my stab vest when i go
……………………………………………………………………
23:51skywalker.:
you'll need to pay off some people so you won't get shot.
……………………………………………………………………
23:51Vic:
i gave some guy called anakin a call
seems like a bad seed though
……………………………………………………………………
23:51skywalker.:
i know. bit eeevil
……………………………………………………………………
23:53Vic:
seriously needs to work on his breathing down the phone too
……………………………………………………………………
23:54skywalker.:
haha
……………………………………………………………………
23:55Vic:
really loud and heavy. kinda creepy.
……………………………………………………………………
23:55skywalker.:
obsessed with the dark side and purifying the world, right racist.
……………………………………………………………………
23:56Vic:
sith lord for hire the personal ad read
I thought i'd be safe
……………………………………………………………………
23:56skywalker.:
maybe
……………………………………………………………………
23:57Vic:
he came highly recommended like
………………………………………………………………
23:57skywalker.:
by who?
……………………………………………………………………
23:57Vic:
I met jabba the hut at the co-op and he said to give him a phone
……………………………………………………………………
22/6/2009
00:06skywalker.:
he's a rough character.
bad man.
……………………………………………………………………
00:07Vic:
ben kenobi just text, jar jar got killed in a drive by.

just realised..

it was a month yesterday.
How should I feel?

Anything Can Happen In the Next Half Hour...

weekend was weird.
people assuming, accusing and blaming!
I will admit I assumed something but I certainly didn't go around spreading it like vicious gossip, so really wasn't happy when I got texts on sunday telling me that I had been chosen as the person to blame, just so someone was happy.
Got hit on though for the first time I think ever! had a wee kiss but its not the same.
someone new will come along though, and it will be better.
lost my rag completely on saturday night. the matter is now resolved but it was a complete lack of respect for me and it still hurts a little bit that people could do that.

being perfect mission is still going full steam, cheated a bit today foodwise but going back on the wagon tomorrow. eatings cheating.
weekend should be good. back out, back drinking, back dancing, good times.

How do I go back to this?

Everything seemed better then, I'm going to try my hardest to get back there.

my anthem.....

Good times for a change See, the luck I've had Can make a good man Turn bad So please please please Let me, let me, let me Let me get what I want This time Haven't had a dream in a long timeSee, the life I've had Can make a good man bad So for once in my life Let me get what I want Lord knows, it would be the first time Lord knows, it would be the first time

Fantastic Tanfastic

Hand bruise is still a fucking peach!!

Got me some fake tan today. decided in the two weeks that I'm off work recovering I'm going to become fake tantasic...
it's an interesting new hobby. I'm either going to be rocking the tan or ooompa looompa.
I'm kinda using these few weeks as time to get over whats all gone wrong these past few months and stuff, go back to work with a fresh outlook and all that.
losing weight is also back on the agenda... I guess I just want to start all over again again.
maybe this arguement was just the straw that broke the camels back, I'm using it as an excuse to get over the things that happened earlier on, what I gave up that I didn't even know I wanted.

today was good though. hung with friends new and old.... lavely.

on the Road again...

came back to the flat today.

good times.

still been thinking far too much.

one text message put me in the shittest mood ever.

hate that they have that power over me.

I'm boring myself these days....

Just want someone who wants me for me, and who doesn't make me crazy, not the biggest ask in the world is it?

Hung out with David this afternoon. good times. we talk the biggest amount of shit. and share some wise words. I fucking love him. I really do.

we make a mean cup of team tea also. and do pretty good anastacia impressions too. So good I spat my tea out the window, we were sick and tired of being sick and tired!!

the print screen button can't quite demonstrate how funny it was......

I'd rather spend my life pretending then have to forget you for one whole minute...

last few days have been weird.

told someone how I really felt.
my dad got in touch.
I didn't even get an interview for the Job I wanted.

I'm kinda glad I spoke up about my feelings, it's hard though cos we've been through a rough time, hell the worst times, and they are one of my closest friends.
but I just couldn't go on feeling the way I did. Maybe now I've spoken up I'll be able to get over it all.

I don't know why I ended up getting so involved or caring so much. I didn't expect it. I didn't expect to love spending time with him, to get on so well with him, or to be able to tell him everything, it's seriously not like to to get like this over a guy.... I don't let my guard down enough!!

However, there is still that part of me that still wants him just to like me back. to realise that I've been about through all the hassle, the hurt, the lies and the worse times, and I'm not going anywhere.

my dad phoning was random. my mum had told him I was going into hospital (against my wishes) so I've gone from being disowned to daughter again once I'm ill? hmmm interesting? only there when the chips are down eh pops?

as for the job I applied for I really wanted it. I'm sickened I didn't even get an interview... I'm so tired of getting no interviews cos I don't have experience, how can I get experience if you don't give me a job??!!!!

I hope once I start to totally recover I get out of this mood. being a depressed smiths listening Vic is tiresome.....